its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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