DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
