Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
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