The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
