I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
