all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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