you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
