Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
