if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
