please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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