I'm so fucking centered right now
This girl is more easily done than said...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
