Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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