I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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