My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
