I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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