i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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