Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
