I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
