On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
