there's paper in my vomit.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
