He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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