You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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