Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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