I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
