You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
