I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
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also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
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How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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