I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
