Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
