They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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