I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
