I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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