i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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