guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
