Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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