We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize