My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
