i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
