Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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