I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can't turn off my feet"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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