plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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