You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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