it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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