just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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