i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
