she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
