I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
