Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
