I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
