Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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