last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
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he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
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He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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