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I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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