i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
