I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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