listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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