just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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