You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
