I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
