WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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